your constant invitation to just say no
was a warning to just forgo any inclination for more
ceaselessly acquiring diamonds of  mistrust
eventually, it was the way you rubbed me that made things tough
physically your touch would melt me,
emotionally your presence would for warn me,
that you would mess things up mentally.
giving things to you was nothing new
was the no replies that shaded things blue
if i had just known, that you would capitolize on others
i swear to god i would have never bothered.

now i sit here, regathering my self
ha, stronger for it, i blame you for none of it
from your weakness i learned strength
the longest ten months ive ever spent
spinning in circles over what you'd do
figure eight loopholes
on why i wanted to keep the thing that didnt want me


in the end, what digs the deepest
is to know i overlooked the basic truth
that who i was didnt spark an interest in you


for so long, your refusal to ask deeper/better questions
i justified your actions with silly tidbits about your love for concealing
i now see it wasnt you i was making excuses for, it was me

if i'd told myself that he isnt as friendly as you think him to be
i'd have then made it seem as if i were 'not good enough'
to save myself this trouble in the beginning was a waste
because now its the only thing that i can taste
to wonder which one will be able to capture that attention is unfathomable
because subconsciously, i would have gone to the ends of the earth
you seem to look at things thoroughly
but at this point, i doubt if you can even see me, or ever have clearly.

i'm now forced to deal with the details of our friendship
and it plagues my mind that i was used as your toy
how true this is, i'll surely never know
i feel played by all the help i gave you.

tehe

ouch, that stings a bit. but nothing can outlast time, so in the end- this too shall pass.


brighternotes- getting this script writing thing down. im no longer drowning, still in the water though. guess you can call this 'a-float' finally able to breathe, someone hand me a blowdryer!

girl, interrupted

doctor: the other day you chased a bottle of asprin with a bottle of vodka.

girl: i had a headache.

triste

why can't i connect?
why can't you see what you do to me?
why can't i tell you how i feel?
why cant you tell me how you feel?
why can't i turn the other way?
why can't i do what is right for me?
why can't i see the silver lining sometimes?
why can't i get them to care?
why can't i find a place where it feels like home?
why can't i feel comfortable again?
why can't my abdomen stop pulsing?
why can't i stand up to my fears?
why can't i stop drowning my troubles in elixir?
why can't i stop the tossing and turning at night?
why can't my world be mine again?

spirals

where is my mind...

ive been off lately. i need to stop wanting and do more attaining. haha, one without the other is only feasible in that order. i know that if i keep up with this, i will run myself into a dark place. some say you have to hit bottom before you can do anything, im an exception, i will not be forced to make it to the bottom because at this moment i know whats wrong: me. im too invested in seeing how strong i am to take care of my heart.

hustle hustle hustle [grindgrindgrind] stick to my roots and acquire gems that refuse to let you hit that spot, usually inanimate ones.

i cant get enough of her, while i am sick of him. creeping into my views of others. im losing my mind, hopefully i'll get it together in time.



in search of that face that looks for my smile. until then, i'll drown myself in these glorious oils. even if i have to burn the house down to get em.