the dragon

i haven't smoked in a month. its weird. this is the first time that I have gone this long without the ganja. At first, it was because I was with family, then it turned to me not even having a need for it (or access). But I was learning something about myself in its absence. And with this new mind-frame, I began to question my affinity for the greenery.

I remember the third month of me smoking, It was the first time that I felt what love was. I loved the feeling that came from the herb. I loved being free, It was the first time I was in love. And i took that love to a whole new level, I wanted to always be around weed. If toking wasn't tolerated there, then you can count me out. I started tailoring my life around this new found love. Honeymoon stage transitioned into a habitual stage. I had cultivated a world for myself where everyone was doing it and we were doing it to the max. Wake up, bake, before we eat, bake, before we go out, bake, before bed, bake. It was a ritual that i was no longer aware of, I was subconsciously adhering to the love i felt so long ago. I hadn't checked myself to see why I was currently in this relationship. I just moved along as time ushered us along. shameful. I wasn't able or willing to evaluate the situation i was in. I went through my actual relationships along the same lines. Looking back now, there was a lack of quality in my life. I let life live me, I wasn't living it.

And so now, as I have taken a step back from the puff puffing of the dragon, I wonder, Why do you smoke? When was the last time that you asked yourself that?

black woman

i am scared. i am infuriated. i am lost. i am many things, and these fears make me. i am african girl.

dust yourself off

I can't sleep

You have to grow inside out. None can teach you. None can make you spiritual. There is no other teacher but your own soul.

touching skies

sometime i wonder where i am headed. shit, i wonder where i am. crazy the places you can go, but we must respect and understand the places we are.

qwaheri

These days, I am barely able to hide my anxieties from myself (something i spent a lot of time mastering FYI), sleep has turned into a game of tossing and turning, Feverish night plays of missing something important. My dreams are focusing on the goodbyes. They replay sadness derived from losing the familiar, inventing new scenarios for my heart to have itself heard. And I wake up feeling like a half of a whole, missing something that I can not currently attain.

How did I say goodbye when there is still so much more to say? When the salty water streaked my cheeks, and my mouth overcome with moisture, how could I possibly utter what my heart is screaming? How do I translate the complex language of this heart into audible, understandable, comprehensible sounds? Currently, I just don't know.

So when these waves of suffering come, I am learning to allow myself to just BE.

When I lose my pace, I go neutral. I shut out the bad along with the good and just let time do its thing. I become present, releasing the hold of my past, I attempt to flow with instead of against.

I am struggling to let go. To relinquish the part of me that is holding me back.

Its an interesting practice and I am only just beginning.

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.
-thich nhat hanh

upya

well wholly space balls, time does fly, or does it just move and it is perception that warps the way it flows? Probably a bit of this and a bit of that.


I got a fortune cookie that read:
"Doing what you like is freedom; Liking what you do is happiness."

Are freedom and happiness codependent?
 Must one be free before attaining happiness? I don't think so, but there is some correlation, there is some dependence, but there is also some room for play there too. They are separate but not strictly so. One might even venture to say you could just blame it on the duality. 

Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being defined by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.
Freedom is the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.
 
 


anywhooooo,
I feel different. I am different. I am grounded today, more than I was yesterday. I am about to embark on the biggest journey of my life. I used to be scared, I used to unload on myself all of the things that could go wrong, all of the reasons that I should stay put. And then I began to evaluate what my heart wanted and not what my fear was screaming at me. I took a step to please my heart, and in that step I am leaving behind a lot. At first, it hurt. It hurt to see that I may not return to the things that I know and it hurt to expel myself into the mystery of travel. But it also felt good and is remaining to feel good. I feel good that i will learn where I come from. It feels good to have the means to witness what my homeland is, learn what it was and maybe even help take it where it needs to be. It feels good to remove the limitations I was putting on my life. It feels good that I am allowing myself to live and that I am creating my own story with intent and purpose. I feel alive, more than I did yesterday and I will probably feel more alive tomorrow. I want to take this bit right now to say THANK YOU CHIKU, thank you for the ability to do, to listen to yourself and to do right by yourself and to look at this world with an open heart. I love you, I love me, I love we.