in all honesty

i wanted thee
but there was no need for me

picking up the pieces like she'd never been broken before

psst

there are some things that i need to tell you
to begin with, i love you
i may have had a good need for you.

i didnt get to know you. i didnt see your face. now the mistakes i may have made can never be erased.
the decision was rash, strapped for cash.

your constant invitation to just say no
was a warning to just forgo any inclination for more
ceaselessly acquiring diamonds of  mistrust
eventually, it was the way you rubbed me that made things tough
physically your touch would melt me,
emotionally your presence would for warn me,
that you would mess things up mentally.
giving things to you was nothing new
was the no replies that shaded things blue
if i had just known, that you would capitolize on others
i swear to god i would have never bothered.

now i sit here, regathering my self
ha, stronger for it, i blame you for none of it
from your weakness i learned strength
the longest ten months ive ever spent
spinning in circles over what you'd do
figure eight loopholes
on why i wanted to keep the thing that didnt want me


in the end, what digs the deepest
is to know i overlooked the basic truth
that who i was didnt spark an interest in you


for so long, your refusal to ask deeper/better questions
i justified your actions with silly tidbits about your love for concealing
i now see it wasnt you i was making excuses for, it was me

if i'd told myself that he isnt as friendly as you think him to be
i'd have then made it seem as if i were 'not good enough'
to save myself this trouble in the beginning was a waste
because now its the only thing that i can taste
to wonder which one will be able to capture that attention is unfathomable
because subconsciously, i would have gone to the ends of the earth
you seem to look at things thoroughly
but at this point, i doubt if you can even see me, or ever have clearly.

i'm now forced to deal with the details of our friendship
and it plagues my mind that i was used as your toy
how true this is, i'll surely never know
i feel played by all the help i gave you.

tehe

ouch, that stings a bit. but nothing can outlast time, so in the end- this too shall pass.


brighternotes- getting this script writing thing down. im no longer drowning, still in the water though. guess you can call this 'a-float' finally able to breathe, someone hand me a blowdryer!

girl, interrupted

doctor: the other day you chased a bottle of asprin with a bottle of vodka.

girl: i had a headache.

triste

why can't i connect?
why can't you see what you do to me?
why can't i tell you how i feel?
why cant you tell me how you feel?
why can't i turn the other way?
why can't i do what is right for me?
why can't i see the silver lining sometimes?
why can't i get them to care?
why can't i find a place where it feels like home?
why can't i feel comfortable again?
why can't my abdomen stop pulsing?
why can't i stand up to my fears?
why can't i stop drowning my troubles in elixir?
why can't i stop the tossing and turning at night?
why can't my world be mine again?

spirals

where is my mind...

ive been off lately. i need to stop wanting and do more attaining. haha, one without the other is only feasible in that order. i know that if i keep up with this, i will run myself into a dark place. some say you have to hit bottom before you can do anything, im an exception, i will not be forced to make it to the bottom because at this moment i know whats wrong: me. im too invested in seeing how strong i am to take care of my heart.

hustle hustle hustle [grindgrindgrind] stick to my roots and acquire gems that refuse to let you hit that spot, usually inanimate ones.

i cant get enough of her, while i am sick of him. creeping into my views of others. im losing my mind, hopefully i'll get it together in time.



in search of that face that looks for my smile. until then, i'll drown myself in these glorious oils. even if i have to burn the house down to get em.

hearken examplar

chicks got style.

sweet, M.I.A. has one interesting history. her father is an engineer and activist from sri lanka, he started his own activist group against the sri lankan gov't in the 80's. he was so devoted to this that he hid from his kids and would visit them as their 'uncle' whenever he could, meanwhile mia was in the local school that would sporadically be shot up by the sri gov't. when her mother and siblings moved to london because the sri lanka civil war was getting too out of hand, her father stayed there to finish what he started, he ended  up becoming a mediator between fighting parties.oh, did i mention her mother is the British royal families commissioned seamstress?



with that background, her individuality has definite reason to be. expand on what makes ya YOU, stop replicating others composition of self. originality is key in keeping it right.

trial and error.

too much time spent seeing how tough i am. i guess i should give myself a break.

these hands can juggle well,

mhmm, you taste good.

if you speak what you feel then they will know. speak to yourself more, figure things out.

there is too much time wasted on the trivial, dwindling away the precious sand that can be used to do what you want. put a smile on that face baby, you deserve it.

simplicity.

is easy to spot. turns out things need a new purpose. gotta flip them around, so i don't sit and wither. thought i learned something, turns out i was just learning something. can't get mad at the lesson, you're the one who showed up for it.

so while i sit here, happy with myself for all of my good choices, my mind stays blank and my heart cold.

viva me.

 be careful not to get addicted to the numb.

i found it out.

realizing things, im going to grow okay with it. i have to.

baby, youre a perfect 10

dwindling on the realization of infatuation 

sometimes you just have to push. otherwise stagnation will settle in, eating your core and rotting your soul. you must maintain while still attaining. that drive within ignites an eternal flame, so that when i look at you, i get weak in the knees. because in your eyes i see no failure. spinning thoughts of we, only seem to occur to me. full of uncertainty, and then i get weak at the knees. losing a hold of things because you've been plaguing my dreams. sleeps wrapped in your essence, you become my nightly present. reality injected, i start getting vexed and wish you a slow death because i cant catch my breath when you insist there's nothing next. but then you touch me there with fire in your glare and i get weak at the knees. your my boy, and im your toy. choked, my throat wants to whisper 'please, let me leave' my lips cant move or my tears will be seized. turn up the melodies to see things clearly,  repetition recycles &  repeats

'let it be...'

 Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

h.keller

anywhoo, great weekend.*

*[ grassland, eoto, p. groove, tribal seeds, spiritual rez, eyecon, sidereel, pepper, the expendable, le bloor, the lips, buckethead, sts9, aquaphonics, pogo, passafire, tornando rider, the movement, zoogma, big something, easy all stars, girltalk, ghostland, zach deputy ]

dweedle

 but yeah i smoke a lot from kettle to pans to pot i keep my hustle hot

'similiarties in simplicities

anyones ghost

im not trying to be anything other than what i consist of.





i want to be here.

ya know, it doesn't get lonely when im by myself
it gets lonely when they get in my head
and bring the dread, the plague of insecurity,
that 'we're too good for thee'
gets my nerve to shake
in desperate need for a break
my minds racing to the moment of fault
cultivating circles of thought
so fast its starting to burn
yep, now i believe it's my turn
its time to resist,
and completely exist
compelled to the notion of being alone
because its the last place that feels like home.

downtempo

 careful! ill smack my dick in your mouth. had one of those nights where i wish i was a strong black men.
at first, i thought i needed it.

sometimes thats just the shit that plagues me.

thinking rather loudly.

im feeling easier today.
i conclude that i dont know how to abide by the rules
the games these people play, has never been my way
fundamentally is how i choose to live each day
and thats my cusp of warmth that keeps me pulling forward
today i fellt the move along
today i felt my heart beat strong

sugaaa

its that pretty face that wont let me leave. baby, dont make any fast moves today
that would imply that i was okay with you being leader of the way
weigh out our options feel the seasons rationing out

i aint doing no more interviews. you should understand that i blow it out the atmosphere.

 im probably too warm to handle

[cLick] panaromic.paris

cold and alone. my hope isnt gone, thats why i keep holding on.

in search of that warm crook, where the despair is rare
erased, then retraced

y raunch

sometimes, i just want to hear it a certain way. make them knees shake and give my mind a break.

mommaaa

i miss you. i do.

mothers are vital. nurishing. inspiring. tiring. needed.

sometimes words arent enough to express how tough its been without you.
sometimes your voice just isnt enough
i reach for your touch
and at night, sometimes the pain is too much.
because of you i use a crutch

expose

i like to see people's hearts. it makes mine jump a bit.
feel alive and no longer alone. compassion in many rations, sweetthing.
love really knows no boundaries. we choke and restrict ourselves with silly misguided reasoning.
thinking that what we want is what we need
check your desires then fill them to overflowing
feel good you earthlings, its the point of things.

read this for some human feelings. its memento mori, the short story that memento the movie is based off of. its by jonathan nolan, chris's brother. [clickit]

memento mori by j. nolan

har har

ive been writing stupidly. sincerely forgive me.

im nervous, and i have a right to be.

whats in my teacup/> 

reins

i just cant seem to do the right thing. for myself. and i guess usually in the situation. a to do on what to do.


sour, never ours.
get that smell off of me.
get that warmth away from me.
get that sound out of my head.
ive made my mind up,
now just to figure out how to follow it.

getting violent

rackid

feeling that buzz. just trying to stay in business. im paranoid, and feel like im leaking. what the heck is this?~! haha. things are crazy, wouldnt have them any other way.

groove on the bus. where the hell is the driver?

she made that book. wow.

gibblygook

i dont hang out with my friends sometimes because they are boring.
daemon learned how to watch television today, seems he likes parks and rec. haha. little boogerbastard.

sometimes, i think to myself that im losing some people. but there isnt anything more i can do. am i giving up? essentially. just can't let this hold on me sink me.

the natural side of things

patched up
no longer wrapped up
more in touch
to happiness i rush

makers mark.

sometimes you just get that vibe
that tingle in your spine

oh me oh my
this is that kinda high
got me seeing things right
my man told me we walk into this world alone
for once this ones been shown
truth(s), easily unknown
lifted, some say gifted
and probably twisted
someone to be there?
like fitting a circle in a square
rare, oh contrare if your nerve isnt there
 ruthless, the things they'll do
just to vomit "i love you"
 call me sentimental
 or maybe just mental
 i dont really care, as long as you get the message i sent you.

hp

like a true fucking gryfindor, i am asking for more
fill me up, i wanna be stuffed
plague me with your essence
rapture me with those smooth words
swords of bravery, each one spoken to me
clearly i hear you
more deeply i want to feel you
dont be afraid, unleash your wrath
nothing left, youre all i have

spins

spinning so fast, might fall off. they surely are falling around me. tears in the fabric that makes things faulty, yet shed light on the matter. whatever it is. im growing to understand it. embrace it. live in it. sometimes i want him, yet i always need to not want him. my rollercoaster is getting faster and stopping at the same time. damn, how'd i get it this way?  when i'm around you i feel like i have everything to gain. breaking with you delivers the ache. i'm not sure how much more i can take. when it caves in, whose face relieves the pain?
but at the end of the line, the finish of the rhyme, i know i'm alright. im tougher than this fight. or maybe even a plight, because its perceptions that tangle things.

 

be with me&breathe easy

grasp

if i were to tell you the things that riddle me
would you be able to look at me, seriously
with quality and clarity
perhaps see right through me
bent down on one knee
trying to get ahold of things
inevitably melting at the seams

mMmm

to look so good, you must be tasted.
a nice lick, your time wont be wasted
off the bat, ill have your head tilted back

while a laugh escapes your lips
gifted, got skills, yet im too silly for this

mamaaa.

some things are learned. here and there. good show, bad experience. adjust your perceptions. good show, good experience. 

ahhh, better. 

here,

avec plaisir.

rotting, but i dont feel like dying

fundamentals have shaken. faltered, broken.
stable was one to me, but maybe thats not how its supposed to be.
maybe, closer to definitely.
why change into your monster wardrobe?
i just wanted a hand to hold
empty, your spot left deserted
my pleasant memories tainted
terrible, aint it?
blindspots, where you stand
tell me, speak to me
how could you leave me?

no problems/

freeze

 

this guy. this video. changing. JOHN LANDIS- direction. 1983. mashing filmmaking with music. wasnt really done like this before. with the emergence of MTV< as sad as it is to say, mtv is proof that good things come to an end> MTV's helped change the random video that was played alongside music to actual real music videos that represent the song. more meaning, more impression. starring Ola Ray. 

" im going to have to warn you im a little bit different."

 

irony. video killed the radio star. first moving picture music thing on ze MTV in the 80's.

tears

ehhh... here.

reverie

riding clouds is much simpler than easy
breezy
please be,
on the beam
perceptions; things arent what they seem
breathe, seed, feed
from places you do and dont know
you learn to grow.

age

aint nothing but a number.
i have so much time i feel, what should i do with it>

give me a drive. something push me in some direction. i need to be more handy on this damn laptop.

beat, bass, boom.

420 is april 20 the day to smoke your best bud, or national pot smoking day. It all started with a bunch of teenagers called the Waldos.

Simply put, 420 is a symbol of cannabis and its culture. Today, April 20th events are international, and 4:20 pm has become sort of a world wide "burn time".

he told me i have a good personality to roll buritos.

cruisin in somoan paradise.

head drive thru. RUN

i lost her.
did i need her
?

the new one, i like a lot
i want em both
the pain almost cut too close
need a boost, not a boast
in the the end,
its the trust that has dwindled the most.
\

mama mia,

boy oh boy, how does one say the things jumbled inside their heads? .

write it out, bitch.
finally got my camera back. lets get ta postin

habla me.

 

someone PLEASE help the team free fucking earl. look at this cat, he needs to be out demonstrating for the people.

eyo, click me and you get some newly released sweatshirt.

The Ettes - Marathon

stop the hating.

cant i be allowed to do what i want to do?

breathe.

he says that i have to take one breathe at a time. slow, pace it, accept it, embrace it. feel it.

dont trip on your thoughts. stay steady and keep pushing.
i know they'd hug me if they were here.

duerme

ive been sleeping so well lately. missing out on shit, but sleeping well non the less. feels like a good combo.

tell me, what is a friend? how does one acquire a good one. these melodies seem much safer to me.
masked intentions cause hesitation.
uncover what is true to you and always check before you share.
seeming impossible, rare.

plyed.

i just want a hug

morning bliss.

some people are worth getting hurt over. reciprocation.

everyone have the answer. dont fool yourself. everyone has the answer. -b.marley

master plan.

ahhh. theres that fresh breath.

bass,blunts,beers.

need a BREAK>

bloodred

its interesting what is necessary to survive. necessity becomes an overlooked thing when compared to wants. fulfilling your desires excites a rapacious flame within us. to cast light on? im not too sure yet.

remember, everything gets answered with time.

ouch.

money flows so easily in the other direction.

im tired of being used. i want what i want. illl get it. (evila leef ot tnaw i)

miami this weekend was too much fun. im bitter that i am here right now. this is stupid.

lets go

 

eyyo,

national astronomy day, may 7th @ the osc

astronomy day, may 21st @ the osc

its all in you.

ahhh, rounds stopping now.

lapin.

i feel lost. well not lost, i understand much, i dont understand much. i know where i stand. im not looking for your position all the time. i want to chose what i get wrapped up in, yet i cant completely diagnose and figure out that thing. which means that i dont actually know what im getting myself into. thats not too cool with me sometimes. i found out that nothing is absolute, and in that there is comfort and quiet. i know what i want, just how to achieve.

i know i should have followed the little guy in the button-down.
and now things have turned upside and around
i hear and see you clearly than ever
kind of happens once you experience forever.

chasing pavements.

ey. so ze wola kostah of emotions iz too mushh.

i thought i killed daemon today. some stressful shit. finally cried over something. felt good. the solitude feels good. sometimes i get clear, other times its confusing, hazy if you will. the miracle of him alive makes him so much greater. puts things in perspective.

a bit of self realization for some self preservation.

fuse.

 short as shit. im ready to murk. trifling truffles of sweetness leaving a bitter after taste.
headed elsewhere before i end up in a padded box.



deemsters.deemsters. DEEMSTERS.
swag me the fuck out.





ey, free fuckin earl, man.

propre

ey. i have things to be doing. this mess is my bedroom
sitting here typing this, shouldnt be
these receptors are on point
nigga came up today
cali visited along with my uncle purpe
boughta spin one up and launch
spark; now im flying with stars
dont forget the chez-its
definitely a must
rocks in my sack
nasal is rimmed in snuff
my pupils the size of marbles

feeling kinda open right now.
four walls too many.

balance my diana

ohh. sometimes i get these burst of expression. we dont show ourselves enough. always hiding, i guess its easier that way.

i want to smash something right now,  more than i want to cuddle with him. shattered glass wounds would always heal faster. thats what i guess it boils down to. what am i supposed to do?
creep creep creep, they're creeping in. they need to get away.
shoot shoot shoot, my point is on  the target
what soldiers knees shake at their enemies voice?
this battle doesnt exist. its time for a forfieght
to enwrapped to run
became a prisoner of war in a fight that i dont even fucking believe in

ohhh sugar

mhmm that shit is sweet. been feeding my tooth like a nympho.

indian grand opening.

role call:
tres mole-ay
supermans
green gats

dirty beans.

on the ground. turning around.
lights please, pretty please.
i cant sleep.

if i didnt...

would the sun rise? after all, arent we all connected...

this june, my heart melts.

pick me!

doses.

tis a beautiful morning.

coughs

visuals

overheating hungry daemon

clean glass

locatelli

fests

highlighters

wit

mathematics.

damn hippies!

mad love tho.

mira, mira!

The shadow

It is the "dark side" of the ego, and the evil that we are capable of is often stored there. Actually, the shadow is amoral -- neither good nor bad, just like animals. An animal is capable of tender care for its young and vicious killing for food, but it doesn't choose to do either. It just does what it does. It is "innocent." But from our human perspective, the animal world looks rather brutal, inhuman, so the shadow becomes something of a garbage can for the parts of ourselves that we can't quite admit to.
Symbols of the shadow include the snake (as in the garden of Eden), the dragon, monsters, and demons. It often guards the entrance to a cave or a pool of water, which is the collective unconscious

buggin.

time to have some fun this afternoon. straight dougie.

ehem.

seems that my wrists were bleeding in the last post. 'ew.

ive gots some things to do. his name is daemon. i love him. cant get enough of him.
i have just slept for 20 hours. gotta get to work.!

fairy dust.

so i am pretty stoned right now
ryan says that i should write down my thoughts
all of them
sometimes i wonder what i should do
with myself and my future, as well as my past
i get stuck in them
my past a lot more than the present
the future more than the past
but more likely than not, im thinking ambiguously
do we really need partners?
isnt everything always changing, always rotating, reincarnating
how are we supposed to commit to just one
where does this lack to commit stem from?
scary memories of the past lurk into my present
haunting my choices and shadowing my future
why cant i unleash this shackle?
damn pissed that things are this way
want to take an iron skillet to her head sometimes
instead ill straighten up these lines
maybe pop some caps and relax
figure some shit out thats been tangled up inside
i dont ever feel normal, whats that even fucking mean?
i feel like a trapezoid around a bunch of squares
their drive, i dont understand
different mindsets probably
it gets exhausting trying to blend
there are things that i like
i get excite!
sativa indica stares mother earth intimacy adrenaline
my uromastyx, daemon. his name for the time being.
ohhhh, i just want to smile about the things in my life
sometimes i cant sleep at night
i get plagued by the terrors of the day
i need a teddy
what good will that do me
too stuck on facts and feelings
cant even remember how to dream
thats probably why im this way
but i dont believe i could ever stop dreaming
maybe too much stimulation
im tired. peace.

midafternoon.

how i spend them.

we can kick it on the couch, you can roll it up
but i bought some shrooms if you really want to feel the room...
-o.f.

rolling.

figured i launch enough planes to be considered a pilot.

bout to board another one right now.

what i want.

 whats hitting the ears this morning.

slum.village

.
 Seems like I've waited to know, can we get closer?

freshbeats.

million young

fuck em all.

"got the girls having eargasms and the pleasure is us" -o.f.

b*tch sh*t.

one of my mains. love this girl, erR. thick and thin round and square. also 1/3 of illicks. represnt!

little bugger.

red lizard thing i caught the other day. needs a name. thinking about zoku or draco or mjusura or daemon... ahhh, i dont have a damn clue.


going to sit on a cloud and think about it now.

slice of heaven,

stfu.

morning crew.
this is new
i have things to do
its not me its you
peace, ill see ya in a few.